The Color of Fear
by Trunks1
Summary: Feeling as if he cannot go any longer living his life in pain, Ken finds a way out of his torture. And then there is Ran... (Suicidal themes, shonen-ai, language, p.o.v.)


Disclaimer: Weiss Kreuz and it's character are property of their respective owners. *bows*  
  
The Color of Fear  
  
by Trunks  
  
  
It's funny, it really is. Feeling as free as a bird, ready to sprout wings and fly away, yet your feet are shackled to the floor.  
It's frustrating, really. To want to be free, to end your life of agony, and yet you cannot.  
  
And why can't I? Why would it matter to anyone else what I did with my life? It wouldn't.  
Hesitation only leads to me losing my nerve, which means I'll be living another useless minute in my worthless life.  
  
Just another step, that's all it would take. Ten stories high, nothing holding you back but your own fear, all you have to do is take that one step and your free. Your out of this agony and pain and your free.  
  
But what about all those I would leave behind? All those that I would miss so terribly.   
They don't care about me.. I'm their comrade in battle, nothing more. I wouldn't even be here anymore, except that they needed me to help them kill.  
  
Funny, isn't it? Killing all of those people and yet I cannot even take one step to end my own miserable life.  
Such a shame really, to end up dying like this. I had always wanted to be killed in battle, that way no one would question 'why?'.  
  
Oh well, it really doesn't matter. Just one more step, right off the ledge, and I'm free.  
  
"Ken, what the hell do you think your doing?"   
  
I feel the color draining from my face, but I don't turn around. Turning around would make it worse. Seeing HIS face would make this all so much harder. Just turn around, please, go back inside and leave me alone.  
  
"I'm ending my, and everyone else's, misery, Ran," I state plainly, although the words that come from my mouth don't even seem familiar to me. My voice is strained, almost scared?  
  
There is nothing to be scared about. I'm going to die, there is nothing scary about that. It's just a step, nothing more.  
Free...   
  
"Ken..." he warns, although I don't hear him making any movements.  
If he walks towards me, I'll jump. I don't want him near me. I don't want to be pushed away anymore.  
  
Gods, Ran, please don't move.  
  
"Just leave, Ran, it would make this much easier," I tell him, forcing my voice to stay calm.  
One more step, that's all I need to do.  
  
"Is that what you want, Ken?" he asks, his voice still cold and uncaring. "To die?"  
  
Yes, I do. I want to end my miserable life. This is something I should have done a long time ago, but, I only recently had a reason.   
You, Ran, your my reason. Because of you, I want to die. How terrible that you have to see me like this, falling apart.  
  
"That's why I'm up here, Ran," I tell him, my eyes focused on the ground far below, half wondering what Ran was doing up at this hour of the night.   
I had picked such a light time so no one would catch me until it was too late, but, apparently, I was wrong.  
  
"Then why haven't you jumped?"   
  
What was this? Did he really want me dead? I know he hates me, but, I had always thought, I had hoped that he at least thought of me as a friend.  
Apparently Ran doesn't want or need friends.  
  
I wish I was that way.  
  
"Go away, Ran."  
  
"Why do you want to die?"  
  
"W-What?" I feel my voice cracking, right along with any will power I had left in me. If only he would leave, I could jump and end this. I couldn't kill myself knowing he was watching.  
That's like having him push me off, really. Knowing he was there but did nothing about it.  
  
Not that I want anyone to stop me. I want to die.   
But...  
  
"Answer the question, Ken. Your up here, you must have a reason," he responds, his words making an even larger cut through my chest.  
  
A reason? Goddamnit, Ran, your my reason. Bastard.. I love you, can't you even stop to see that? Your the reason I haven't killed myself yet. I've been so damn blind, fooling myself thinking that you might, maybe, feel the same way.  
  
And is that why your up here, Ran? To point that out to me even more? Why don't you just go out and say it. Tell me how much you hate me, how much you wish I would just jump already and get it over with.  
  
Because, if you tell me, it would make it so much easier to take that one step.  
  
"I want to die, I already told you that."  
  
"Why?"  
  
We were going in a circle here, not getting anywhere. Please, just go away...  
  
"Because I'm a fucking idiot, Ran," I growl, eyes closing tightly for a moment, "Because I can't stop making so many mistakes in my life that I have to live with them. Because I'm such a failure as a human being."  
  
Because I love you so much that it hurts. It's killing me slowly anyway, this is just a way to speed it up.  
  
"You are an idiot, Ken, for being up here in the first place," he snaps, the harshness in his voice causing me to flinch. "Do you honestly believe any of that, or are you just fooling yourself so that you can make this easier?"  
  
Easy? You think this is easy? It's not. Nothing in my life has ever been easy.  
  
I'm already on the brink of tears, I do not need him disagreeing with more, or saying more harsh things to further induce me to go through with this. "Please, Ran, go away.."  
  
"Step away from the ledge, Ken," Ran replies, his voice softening slightly.  
  
Biting my lip, I shake my head, "No, I can't, I'm going to jump. I'm going to die, I-"  
  
"Ken!"  
  
Spinning around, I can feel the tears slipping down my face, "No! Leave me alone, Ran! You've never bothered to care about me before, why start now? Is it because your losing an member of the team? I'm sorry I won't be around to kill with you anymore, is that what you expect me to say?"  
  
Through the tears in my eyes, I can still see him. If he even so much as takes one single step towards me...  
  
"Ken..."  
  
Ran, please help me, I don't want to do this anymore... Ran, don't leave me, please..  
  
Turning back around, I look down towards the ground, placing my feet on the end of the ledge. This is it.  
What I want...  
  
I can hear movement behind me and my brain races, telling me to jump now or I won't be able to. He'll stop me... He won't let me die.. I have to jump now..  
  
Gods, Ran, please hurry.  
  
My brain snaps back to reality, as he grasps my arm firmly, pulling my off the ledge and back onto the safety of the roof.   
Not bothering to say anything, I wrap my arms around him and bury my head in his chest, feeling the tears fall from my face.  
  
Thank you, Ran, thank you.. Just don't push me away now..  
  
"Ken..." Ran sighs, his voice almost sounding relieved. Hesitantly, he wraps he arms around me and holds me, as I cry.  
  
"Thank you, Ran."  
  
"Don't you dare do that again, Ken."Nodding, I sniff slightly, but stay where I am. Maybe he'll let me stay this way for a little longer.   
Just a little longer, that's all I need, just to know that he really doesn't want me to die.  
  
I don't want to die. I want to stay here.  
  
Even if Ran doesn't love me, at least he doesn't hate me. I can live with that.  
  
~Owari  
  
Author's notes: This one turned out longer than I had first thought it would. This is the first drama piece that I've written, I believe, although it's certainly not the first angst.  
I know, I know, Ran and Ken should have gotten together, but that's why it's angst :)  
  
  
  
  



End file.
